Murder, My Suite
by Sean M. Cogan
Summary: Stuck in his apartment with a broken leg, Mr. Moseby dreams he's a hardboiled private eye. His latest case involves a certain hotel heiress' lost dog, crooked police officers, and a murder in the lobby of the Tipton Hotel.
1. Scene 1

_Disclaimer - I own no rights whatsoever to the Suite Life of Zack and Cody._

_**A/N – This is a departure from my usual line of fanfictions. Usually I try to write more serious fiction. But Disney Channel is a guilty pleasure of mine, and I thought it would be fun to, instead of providing more "grown up" literature, write something for the kiddies, and for young grown-ups like me.**_

**_I played with the idea of writing a Suite Life mystery story for a week or so before I came up with this. I finally got the idea for this fanfic after watching the episode "_**It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Hotel"**_, for the third time. I liked the 1930's feel. And I noticed what a great job Phil Lewis (a. k. a. Mr. Moseby) did of channeling Raymond Chandler's Phil Marlowe. _**

**_I also got a little bit of inspiration from another fictional Phil, "The Singing Detective", deciding to portray Mr. Moseby as a bedridden author. I've begun to hammer this out being a bedridden author myself, recovering from a recent surgery._**

_**This also marks my first fanfic written in script form.**_

_**Expect weekly installments. Now, with no further ado…**_

"**Murder, My Suite"**

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Zack and Cody walk in, the sound of groaning following behind them. Mr. Moseby enters with Carey assisting him. His head is wrapped in bandages and his leg is in a cast. He's hobbling on a crutch.

Carey finally helps Mr. Moseby settle onto a couch behind his popsicle-stick replica of the Tipton.

Carey: Mr. Moseby, the boys are so sorry about what happened.

Cody: Yeah, Mr. Moseby. Zack is very sorry.

Zack: Don't look at me. I thought people only tripped on banana peels in cartoons.

Mr. Moseby: Yes. Well, in the cartoons, I don't believe the banana peel is usually draped over a skateboard.

Zack: Tiny technicality. Sheesh!

Zack turns his back and heads for the door while Mr. Moseby clenches his hands as if he is wringing the boy's neck. Carey follows Zack as he leaves.

Cody: I brought something for you.

Mr. Moseby: A bottle of aspirin, perhaps? Or is it a banana?

Cody: Wrong on both counts. It's something way cooler.

He pours the contents of a bag onto the table, knocking the popsicle-stick model to pieces as he does so. Tears form in Mr. Moseby's eyes. Finally, Cody lifts up the objects that were in the bag.

Cody: Pencil and paper.

Mr. Moseby: Excellent. Now I can write out my last will and testimony.

Cody: No. Now you can write out a story.

Mr. Moseby: Thank you, young man. But I'm a manager, not a versifier.

Cody thinks for a moment.

Cody: Oh! I know what that means!

Mr. Moseby: Good. Because I'm not sure I do.

He lays back and closes his eyes. Cody turns around and faces the "camera."

Cody: It gives you something to do since you can't move around. Once I had pneumonia for a week, and I wrote a story about traveling to the mystic world of Mid-EverBored, where I became a powerful wizard. With the help of the beautiful princess, I managed to capture the sacred sword of Geexcalibur.

He reaches behind him and lifts Mr. Moseby's crutch like a sword.

Cody: I then invoked the sacred texts of J. R. J. Verne-Wells, transforming myself into a mighty warrior and defeating the evil Gobolums!

He swings the crutch dramatically, shattering a lamp and then falling backwards into Mr. Moseby's leg. Mr. Moseby cries in pain.

Carey: Cody!

Cody: Gotta go!

Now Mr. Moseby wrings his hands as Cody leaves.

OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT

Cody: I wish there was something more we could do to help Mr. Moseby.

Carey: Mr. Moseby's a tough man. He can take care of himself.

Zack: Yeah right! Mr. Moseby's the least tough guy I know.

DARK ALLEYWAY

Two mobsters carrying guns run and stop in front of a dead end.

Mobster #1: Do you think he's still following us?

Mobster #2: No, I think we lost him.

Mobster #1: Good. I wouldn't want to meet that guy in a dark…

He looks around him and cries for his mommy.

Mobster #2: I know what you mean. He looked pretty tough.

A dark figure steps out of the shadows. Mobster #1 jumps into Mobster #2's arms. Mobster #2 drops Mobster #1 and a cloud of dust rises.

Mobster #2: Who are you?

The cloud of dust clears. Mr. Moseby is standing there in a trench coat and fedora.

Mr. Moseby: I'm your worst nightmare.

_**A/N – And here's where we'd go to theme song and credits. Check back here in a week or sooner.**_

**_And for those of you who are reading my Sherlock Holmes/Batman crossover, expect an update soon._**


	2. Scene 2

_Disclaimer - I own nothing! Nothing!_

**Thomas Thurman_ – Thanks for reviewing the story. I'm looking forward to your Zack and Cody mystery, and I hope you continue to enjoy mine._**

MOSEBY'S OFFICE

The lettering on the glass panel of a wooden door reads "MOSBEY, P. I."

Mr. Moseby sits at a desk, dangling a toothpick between his lips.

Mr. Moseby (narrating): It was a hot afternoon on a hot day in a hot city, and I was drinking hot chocolate. That's when _she_ showed up.

A woman's silhouette appears in the glass frame. There's a dog beside her. The dog turns into a rabbit, into a squirrel, then into a bird. Finally, Mr. Moseby opens the door and finds London, dressed in flapper clothing, making shadow puppets. Embarrassed, London hides her hands behind her back.

Mr. Moseby (narrating): It was one of those high society dames. I could tell just by looking at her that she was going to be trouble.

London: I'm in trouble.

Mr. Moseby: I could tell. Have a seat Ms...

London: Tipton. London Tipton. But you can just call me, Ms. Tipton.

Mr. Moseby: That's real nice of you, lady. Now take a seat.

London picks up a chair.

Mr. Moseby: I meant sit down, Ms. Tipton.

London: Oh. Why didn't you just say so?

London and Mr. Moseby take seats on either side of Moseby's desk. Mr. Moseby puts his feet up on his desk. London plugs her nose with her fingers.

Mr. Moseby: What can a simple guy like me do for a doll like you?

London (really nasally): It's about my dog, Ivanna. She's been dognapped.

Mr. Moseby: What?

London: Dognapped.

Mr. Moseby: Come again?

London unplugs her nose.

London: Dognapped!

She takes a paper fan and uses it to fan Mr. Moseby's feet. He takes a hint and drops his feet to the ground.

Mr. Moseby: Got any leads?

London: Of course I do. I have this really cute one studded with rhinestones! But here in America we call them leashes.

Mr. Moseby: I meant do you got any clues?

London: Oh, no! I'm not the detective. That's your job, Buster.

Mr. Moseby: Moseby.

London: Whatever.

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Mr. Moseby is grinning wildly and writing furiously. Esteban enters carrying a grocery bag.

Esteban: Oh, Mr. Moseby, sir. You look much better already.

Mr. Moseby: Thank you, Estaban. Did you bring what I asked you for?

Esteban: Of course, sir. Two gallons of milk. One gallon of orange juice. A box of oatmeal. And a new bottle of perfume.

Mr. Moseby: I didn't ask you for a bottle of perfume.

Esteban lifts a bra from the grocery bag and then drops it back.

Esteban: And you probably didn't ask for that either. I must have grabbed the wrong bag.

He looks at Mr. Moseby's papers.

Esteban: If I may ask, sir, what are you working on?

Mr. Moseby: Nothing really, just a pain reliever one of the twins suggested.

Esteban: Ahh, yes. A pain reliever. Where I come from…

Mr. Moseby: Does it involve goats?

Esteban: No, sir.

Mr. Moseby: Cows?

Esteban: No, sir.

Mr. Moseby: Any type of animal?

Esteban: Of course, sir. How did you know?

Mr. Moseby: Then I'm not interested.

Esteban: Very well. I will just return to the store and get you the appropriate items.

Mr. Moseby: Thank you, Esteban

Esteban exits. Mr. Moseby returns to his writing.

LONDON'S SUITE

London: This is where I saw Ivanna last. She was sitting right there, sipping from her bowl of Sierra Falls mineral water, poured directly from the bottle.

Mr. Moseby: You know, toots, you are one dizzy dame.

London: Oh, gosh! Thanks!

Mr. Moseby: Were you the last one in this room?

London: Oh, no. Right before I left I saw two men in really funny suits that said they worked for room service.

Mr. Moseby: Do you remember how they looked?

London: Duh! I just told you. They were wearing funny suits.

Mr. Moseby: What about their faces?

London: I don't know. They weren't as funny as their suits.

Mr. Moseby slaps his forehead. There's the sound of a gunshot. Mr. Moseby and London run out of the suite to investigate.

THE TIPTON HOTEL LOBBY

A man is lying across the floor. Mr. Moseby bends over and checks for a pulse.

Mr. Moseby: He's dead. It was murder.

London: It's so tragical.

Mr. Moseby: Don't get yourself worked up, lady. Sooner or later we're all going to sleep the big sleep. Check out one final time. Go up to that big hotel in the sky.

London: Not that. I just meant he's going to get blood all over the carpet!

_A/N – And here's a commercial break. A several days long commercial break. But don't worry; there's more where this came from!_


	3. Scene 3

_Disclaimer - I own no rights to the titles, characters, and trademarks herein._

**Thomas Thurman – _Glad you're still along for the ride, and I hope this next chapter doesn't scare you away._**

**CRIMSON HAZE – _Thank you for your review. I'm used to writing mystery stories sprinkled with humor rather than humorous stories sprinkled with mystery, although I have written comical scripts for skits for my high school drama class and my church group. And I'm recovering quite well from the surgery, thank you._**

**Princess Cornelia – _I'm glad I got your attention. I hope you enjoy the chapters that are still to come._**

THE TIPTON HOTEL

The victim rises to his feet.

Dead Man: Can I go now?

London: No. You're dead.

Dead Man: I thought nobody could die in this. It's a kid's show.

Mr. Moseby: Can't you just lie down for a few more minutes?

Dead Man: But I'm perfectly all right.

Mr. Moseby: It doesn't matter. This is a dream sequence.

Dead Man: Okay. But you'd better make this fast.

The dead man stiffens up like a board and falls to the ground. Mr. Moseby and London cringe as he hits the ground with a _thud_.

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

As we warp back to reality, Mr. Moseby has fallen asleep on his couch.

Esteban enters once again.

Esteban: Mr. Moseby, I've returned. I have brought you the correct items this time.

When he notices Mr. Moseby sleeping on the couch, he tiptoes to the table so as not to wake him. Esteban puts his grocery bag down next to Mr. Moseby's story.

Esteban: Ahh, Mr. Moseby's pain-relieving story. Perhaps, I should peek. Then again, perhaps it is none of my business.

A miniaturized version of Zack, dressed in a devil costume, appears on Esteban's left shoulder.

Zack: Go ahead and peek. It's your right as a Tipton employee.

A miniaturized Cody, dressed, of course, in angelic garb, appears on Esteban's right shoulder.

Cody: Your job at the Tipton has nothing to do with Mr. Moseby's privacy.

Zack: It's not privacy. It's just a stupid story.

Cody: But it's not professional. Mr. Moseby wouldn't want anybody to read it but him.

Esteban: You have a point, little blonde person. I mean, really little blonde person.

Zack: But by looking at the story you could actually be helping Mr. Moseby. He could probably use a hand finishing it.

Cody: Actually, that's pretty sound logic. Can't argue with that.

Zack and Cody disappear and Esteban turns to the story.

Esteban: Moseby the detective had to go talk to someone important. He had to go see the rich, stylish, very successful, and extremely handsome business mogul.

THE CLUB ESTEBAN/ESTEBAN'S OFFICE

Esteban sits behind a desk dressed in an expensive business suit. He has a sleazy mustache drawn on his face and his hair is dripping with grease. A flash of light glints off of his teeth.

Esteban (narrating): Me!

OUTSIDE OF ESTEBAN'S OFFICE

Zack and Cody are dressed in mobster costumes and hold super soakers and stand guard at the door. Mr. Moseby reaches for the office door handle, but Zack puts out a hand and holds him back.

Zack: Nobody gets in to see the boss without an appointment!

Mr. Moseby: If your boss doesn't see me, the only appointment he's going to make is with the judge!

Zack: But you're not a cop anymore!

Mr. Moseby: Tell me, sonny, do you think that makes me less dangerous, or more dangerous?

Cody pulls out his calculator.

Cody: Let's see. Tell me, about how dangerous were you in the first place?

Mr. Moseby just pushes past Zack into the office.

ESTEBAN'S OFFICE

Cody: We tried to stop this goon, boss, but he wouldn't have it.

Esteban: Ahh. Mr. Moseby. What can I do for you, sir?

Mr. Moseby: I want to have a little chit-chat about one of your men. Name of Ceased. Delbert Ceased. Went by "D." He was found dead at the Tipton Hotel last night.

Esteban: How do you know he was one of my men?

Mr. Moseby: He was wearing a Club Esteban uniform.

Esteban: That could mean anything.

Zack: Boss, do you want we should whack him for you?

Cody: Whack him? With what? A wet noodle?

Zack: No, Cody. I meant we should bump him off.

Cody: Bump him off of what?

Zack: No! I mean we should waste him.

Cody scratches his head.

Zack: Get rid of him?

Cody: Hey! I don't watch as many violent movies as you do.

Esteban: Cool it, boys. Nobody's icing no one.

Cody: Now icing? What's icing?

Zack hits his brother over the head.

Cody: Oww!

Esteban: This is a perfectly legitimate business I'm trying to run here.

Mr. Moseby: Says you. I say it's a speakeasy and an illegal casino.

Esteban: It is no such thing!

Muriel walks by.

Muriel: I'm blowing this joint. I'm out 3 G's.

Esteban: That means nothing. We have a very expensive all-you-can-eat buffet.

Mr. Moseby: Give me the information I need and I'm outta here.

Esteban: I can not help you, sir. I know nothing about the murder at the Tipton. Or of Ms. Tipton's stolen dog.

Mr. Moseby: Who said anything about a stolen dog?

Zack: We don't know nothing about no stolen dog. Do we, Cody?

Cody: Yeah. I think we do.

Zack hits Cody again.

Esteban: All right, Moseby. I will help you if you will help me. Bring me back my Falcon, and I will tell you all I know about the Tipton dame's missing dog.

Mr. Moseby: Another pet?

Esteban: No. Just a very stylish paper weight.

Mr. Moseby: Made out of solid gold and encrusted with valuable diamonds, I'll bet.

Esteban: No, sir. It's just a hunk of black lead in the shape of a bird. But it has sentimental value. My grandpapa gave him to me.

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Mr. Moseby slowly wakes up. He looks at Esteban and screams. Esteban screams and scrambles out the door.

Mr. Moseby shifts in his seat and squeals in pain. He looks back at his story and shakes his head.

THE TIPTON HOTEL LOUNGE

Mr. Moseby (narrating): It was going to be a rough evening. I had to talk with the dead man's girlfriend. She was a chanteuse.

Carey struts out on stage in a glamorous sequined dress and performs "Mr. Big Spender." She sashays off stage.

CAREY'S DRESSING ROOM

Mr. Moseby is waiting for her as she enters.

Carey: What are you doing in my dressing room?

Mr. Moseby: I've got no time for small talk, toots. Tell me what you know about D. Ceased.

Carey: The guy that was bumped off in the lobby yesterday?

Mr. Moseby: Yeah. I heard you and him went out a couple o' times.

Carey: Yeah. He was a regular sleazebag. What's it to you?

Mr. Moseby: So, did he have any enemies?

Carey: 'Course he did. Nobody liked him but me, the dirty rotten bum.

Mr. Moseby hands her his card.

Mr. Moseby: If you think of anything, give me a call.

He exits.

_**A/N – We're going to take another break now, but expect another update soon. **_


	4. Scene 4

_Disclaimer: I own no rights whatsoever to the titles and trademarks herein._

**Princess Cornelia – _You said you couldn't wait for the next chapter. Well, now the wait is over. I hope that once you finish this chapter you will anxiously await the next one._**

**Thomas Thurman – _Still not scared? Good. Because things are about to get even wackier._**

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Mr. Moseby: I'm quite surprised. This is actually working. I feel much better.

Mr. Moseby's stomach lurches. He gets a "Perhaps I spoke too soon" look on his face and retches. He hobbles gagging to the bathroom.

Cody enters.

Cody: Mr. Moseby? Are you here? I brought you a "Get well soon" card.

He looks around but can't see Mr. Moseby anywhere. He spots a stack of papers on the table.

Cody: It looks like Mr. Moseby's following my advice with that story. I guess I'll help him out a little.

THE TIPTON HOTEL LOBBY

Mr. Moseby studies the chalk outline of D. Ceased. He is approached by Cody wearing a handlebar mustache and a gray suit and bowler hat. He has his head tilted to one side.

Cody (in a French—excuse me, Belgian—accent): Pardon me, but you must be Monsieur Moseby, the detective.

Mr. Moseby: Who are you, Candy Pants?

Cody: My name is not the Candy Pants. I am Hercules Toirpot, the famous sleuth.

He gestures to Zack, standing in a navy blue suit behind him.

Cody: _Mon ami _and companion, Captain Hasty.

Zack (in a British accent): Good day, good chap.

Mr. Moseby: Back off, little men. This is my case.

Cody: Not anymore, it is not.

He looks at the wall.

Cody: Ah-ha!

Mr. Moseby: Found a clue?

Cody: No. I found a splatter of filth. The cleaning staff should be more attentive.

He snaps his finger. Muriel looks up from the lower level of the lobby.

Muriel: Don't look at me. I ain't cleaning anything up!

Mr. Moseby (to Cody): What makes you so important?

Cody: I am the world's most famous sleuth. My name is known all over the _glob_.

Zack: The what, old chap?

Cody: The _glob_, _mon ami_. Do you not understand what the _glob_ is?

Zack: I can not understand a thing you are saying in that ridiculous French accent.

Cody: Belgian, _mon cap-i-tain._

Mr. Moseby: If you're so famous, how come I never heard of you?

Arwin steps into the lobby.

Arwin: You're Hercules Toirpot, the famous Belgian sleuth! Your name is known all over the globe!

Cody: I told you the so. What can I do for you, Mr. …?

Arwin: Professor. Professor Arwin. I need a detective.

Mr. Moseby: Moseby, P.I., at your service.

Arwin: No. I need a good one.

Zack nudges Cody.

Zack: I think he means you, old chap.

Cody: I know that. I know that. How can I help you, professor?

Arwin: Well, I'm one of the foremost robotics experts in the country, and I've been working for months on a project I call the Digital Operating Gadget, or the DOG.

Zack: Why do you call it that?

Arwin: Because it walks like a dog, barks like a dog, and even wags its cute little iron tail like a dog. It also explodes into a puff of smoke, can climb walls, fits into tiny places, and can carry large amounts of stuff inside of it. More importantly, it knows how to fetch, roll over, and play dead.

Mr. Moseby: Was this something you were working on for the military?

Arwin: Of course not. This was going to be the world's greatest toy. But somebody stole it!

Mr. Moseby: When did this happen?

Arwin: Oh, a couple of days ago. Why?

Mr. Moseby: That's the same day the Tipton dame lost her pet poochie.

Cody: Then I shall look for the professor's dog while you shall look for Mademoiselle Tipton's dog.

Arwin: You'd really do that for me, Monsieur Toirpot?

Cody: It shall be simple. All a matter of the little green cells.

Zack: I believe you mean "little gray cells", old boy.

Cody: Whatever the color! You still know what I am talking about!

He turns to Mr. Moseby.

Cody: I shall see you again, perhaps, after our cases are solv-ed.

Mr. Moseby: Knock yourself out.

Cody tips his hat and walks without looking. He falls over a banister and lands safely on a couch below. Mr. Moseby puts his hand on the railing and looks down.

Mr. Moseby: I didn't mean that literally.

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Cody looks over his work and is quite pleased with himself. He puts down the paper and leaves as Mr. Moseby returns from the bathroom.

Mr. Moseby looks at the paper and scratches his head, certain he couldn't have written the last few paragraphs himself.

He shrugs it off and pick up his pencil.

MOSEBY'S OFFICE

Mr. Moseby (narrating): When I returned to my office I found my faithful secretary waiting for me.

Mr. Moseby opens the door. Maddie is sitting at a small desk, wearing a white blouse, a long black skirt, and a tiny-framed pair of glasses. Her hair is tied back with a dark ribbon. She is sitting at a typewriter and cracking gum.

Mr. Moseby: Hey there, angel.

Maddie: Oh. Hi, Chief. But my name's not Angel.

Mr. Moseby: I know it isn't Angel, angel.

He throws his trench coat onto a coat rack and adjusts the brim of his hat.

Mr. Moseby: Here's what I want you to do for me. Find out all you can about D. Ceased.

Maddie: You mean the poor guy that was whacked the other night?

Mr. Moseby: That's the one, angel. And find out all you can about the Falcon.

Maddie: The what?

Mr. Moseby: Also known as the Bird.

Maddie: I have no idea what you're talking about, Chief.

Mr. Moseby: I know it's not very specific, but I'm sure you can manage. Also, get me all you can on that dizzy Tipton dame.

Maddie: One more thing, boss. Some lookerleft this for you.

Maddie hands Mr. Moseby a calling card. He flips it over in his hand. It says, "Meet me in the lounge at 11:00 tonight. Don't be late. You will buy me a drink and I will help you with your case."

Mr. Moseby (narrating): It was written in lipstick. A dame who writes a card with lipstick can only be one thing: Trouble!

_**A/N – See you again in one week! BTW, do you know which famous sleuth and famous author I was paying tribute to with the first half of this chapter?**_


	5. Scene 5

_Disclaimer - I own no rights to the trademarks or characters herein. I own no rights at all. Thank you._

**Thomas Thurman – _Glad you're still hanging on for the ride._**

**Princess Cornelia – _I think this chapter is just as great as the last one. Then again, I'm kind of biased since I wrote it. You'll have to let me know if you agree._**

**_A/N – We're back from commercials again. Just think of this as one of those hour-long specials._**

_**Anyway…**_

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

The door opens, and Raven Baxter and Chelsea Daniels enter.

Raven: Uncle Moseby!

Mr. Moseby: How nice to see you again, Miss Baxter!

They hug gently.

Raven: I want you to meet my best friend, Chelsea…

Chelsea: Hi, Mr. Moseby.

Raven: … And I brought you some of my dad's special recipe chicken soup.

Mr. Moseby: How delightful. You tell your father that if his Chill Grill doesn't work out, we could always use him as part of the Tipton's gourmet kitchen staff.

Raven hands Mr. Moseby the plastic container of soup. He looks at it.

Mr. Moseby: Now if only I had someone to warm it for me.

He looks at Raven and Chelsea. Raven looks at Chelsea. Chelsea looks at Raven. They finally look back at Mr. Moseby. He fakes a smile.

Mr. Moseby: I'll take care of it.

He slowly lifts himself up.

Mr. Moseby: I'll just hobble my crippled self over to my kitchen.

He looks at the girls again. They look back at him again. He finally groans and hobbles off.

Chelsea: He seems nice. How do you know him again?

Raven: Oh. He and my dad go way back.

Raven finds the stack of papers on the table.

Raven: Well, well, well. What have we got here?

Chelsea: Don't be nosy, Rae. I don't think he wants us looking through those.

Raven: Nosy? Why, Chels, have you ever known me to be nosy?

Chelsea just nods vigorously.

Raven: It looks like he's writing some kind of story.

She looks to the side and her face goes blank. She finally turns back to Chelsea.

Raven: Just had a vision. Uncle Moseby was looking at his story and he said it was terrible. But don't worry. I know how I can make it better.

THE TIPTON LOUNGE

Mr. Moseby is sitting in the audience watching the show. Chelsea steps out in a tiny black cocktail dress and does a sultry song and dance to "That Old Black Magic."

She steps off of the stage and walks to the bar. Mr. Moseby takes off his fedora and joins her.

Mr. Moseby: What's your cocktail?

Chelsea speaks in her melodramatic "soap opera" voice.

Chelsea: Carrot juice and tomato. Shaken, not stirred. And serve it in a dirty glass. Just not too dirty, 'cause that would be really gross.

The bartender hands her the drink and she begins to sip it.

Mr. Moseby: I'll take a root beer. And make it a double.

Chelsea turns to Mr. Moseby.

Chelsea: _Poli vou frances?_

Mr. Moseby: _Oui, oui._

Chelsea: No. I don't have to. I haven't even finished this glass yet.

Mr. Moseby: I'll pay for the vegetable cocktail, Ms…?

Chelsea: You can just refer to me as the Mysterious Redheaded Woman.

Mr. Moseby: That's an awful mouthful, sister. You wanted to meet me here?

Chelsea: Yes, Mr. Private Detective. Of course.

Mr. Moseby: About what?

Chelsea's face goes blank.

Chelsea: I've forgotten.

In the background, Carey gets up on stage and starts singing "Fly Me to the Moon."

Mr. Moseby: About D. Ceased's murder, perhaps?

Chelsea (cracking up laughing): Oh, yeah!

She sobers up.

Chelsea: I don't know anything about that.

Mr. Moseby: Then why did you want me to meet you here?

Chelsea: Didn't I just tell you I've forgotten? Bartender! Another veggie cocktail, please!

The bartender slams the glass down on the bar. Mr. Moseby moves it before Chelsea can take it.

Mr. Moseby: I think you've already had enough.

Chelsea: Oh, yeah! Now I remember. I can't tell you anything about your case. But I know someone who can help you.

Mr. Moseby: Who?

Chelsea: Miss Tolulu.

Mr. Moseby: The creepy fortune teller down at the intersection of Extortion Road and Larceny Avenue?

Chelsea: Do you know of another Miss Tolulu? She's the best psychic I know.

She pauses.

Chelsea: Come to think of it, she's the only psychic I know.

Mr. Moseby puts his hat back on and takes Chelsea by the arm.

Mr. Moseby: What are we waiting for, then? Let's get going.

He walks her past the stage. Carey looks down at Mr. Moseby.

Carey: If you ever need me, Mr. Detective, just whistle. You do know how to whistle, don't you?

Chelsea: Yeah. Duh.

She tries to whistle. Her cheeks puff up and she blows air.

Carey: Never mind.

Mr. Moseby drags Chelsea away.

MISS TOLULU'S TENT

Chelsea leads the way into the tent. Mr. Moseby enters behind her. They find Raven in her full phony fortune teller garb.

Mr. Moseby: You're the creepy fortune teller?

Raven: Who you callin' creepy?

(Jamaican accent) I mean, sit down, chile. Let Miss Tolulu tell all.

She begins flipping over Tarot cards.

Raven: There is a woman involved. You are seeking her. You love this woman. And Babe Ruth will set a new record for Home Runs.

Mr. Moseby looks at her cards.

Mr. Moseby: That's a baseball card!

Raven: Yes, but what about dah utter t'ings?

Mr. Moseby: They're all wrong.

Raven: Oops. My bad. Just let me look into me crystal ball.

She looks at the ball on her table and sees Chelsea's reflection.

Raven: I see a mysterious redheaded woman.

Chelsea: Really? Where?

She spins around anxiously until she becomes dizzy and collapses. The force of her impact causes the crystal ball to roll off of the table. Chelsea stands up and trips over the crystal ball. Mr. Moseby catches her before she hits the ground.

Mr. Moseby: Miss Tolulu, this young lady told me you could help me. I'm trying to solve a murder and find a lost dog.

Raven: Really, now? Den I shall just have to concentrate.

She turns her head and her face goes blank. She turns back to Mr. Moseby and Chelsea.

Raven: I had a vision. The killer's name is…

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Mr. Moseby stands behind Raven and Chelsea.

Raven: Oh, girl, this is getting so good!

Mr. Moseby: It was, wasn't it?

Raven smiles nervously and puts the story back down.

She kisses Mr. Moseby on the cheek and she and Chelsea run off.

Mr. Moseby looks at the paper and frowns.

Mr. Moseby: This is terrible! Now how can I fix it?

He thinks for a moment.

MADAME BAXTER'S TENT

Raven's face goes blank again.

Raven: Oh, snap!

Raven falls to the table with a knife in her back.

Chelsea: Geez, Rae. Could you try to be a little more specific?

Mr. Moseby draws his squirt gun and opens the flap of the tent behind Raven's body. The coast is clear. He closes it back up and walks towards Chelsea. He then checks Raven's pulse.

Mr. Moseby: Poor fortune teller doll. I'll find out who did this. I swear on my mother's shoes.

The flap opens again and Maddie and London enter, dressed in frumpy men suits and wearing mustaches. They both flash badges.

London: Freeze, Buster!

Mr. Moseby: Moseby.

London: Whatever!

Maddie: I'm Inspector Fitzpatrick and this is Lieutenant Tipton. Homicide department.

London: How come you get to be Inspector and I have to be Lieutenant?

Maddie: Don't look at me! I'm not the one writing this chapter.

Mr. Moseby: I know you two flatfoots. You're crooked.

Maddie & London: Really?

The girls—ehr, police detectives—check each other's suits and neckties. London's clip-on comes off in Maddie's hand.

Mr. Moseby: What brings you two dirty cops here?

London: Dirt! Where?

Maddie (to London): I don't think that's what he means, lieutenant.

(to Moseby) We've been following you. We knew you were bound to lead us to something rotten. Who was this woman?

Mr. Moseby: You mean you don't know?

Maddie: Don't take that sassy tone with me, mister. We've already taken away your badge.

Chelsea: You mean you're not a cop? I feel so lied to.

Mr. Moseby: But you already knew that. You called me Mr. Private Investigator, remember?

Chelsea: Oh, yeah!

Maddie: Alright, Moseby. You're comin' down town with us.

London: Down town? Great. Think I could pick up a new pair of shoes?

Zack and Cody enter the tent in their mobster uniforms.

Cody: Not so fast.

Zack (to Maddie): Hey there, Sweet Thang!

Maddie: Zack, you do know I'm playing a boy right now?

Zack: You're not doing a very convincing job.

Cody: We need to have a talk with you, Moseby. You're taking a walk with us.

Mr. Moseby: What for?

Zack: 'Cause we're not old enough to drive.

Maddie: Fine. You're off the hook, for now.

The cops exit through the back flap. Zack and Cody escort Moseby out the front.

MOSEBY'S OFFICE

Mr. Moseby (narrating): The boys told me there boss wasn't happy. He wanted results, and he wanted them fast. I told them that these things needed time and a job like this couldn't be rushed. But all the same, I asked my secretary to hurry up.

Maddie: I got all that stuff you wanted, boss.

She hands the files over to Moseby.

Maddie: Anything important?

Mr. Moseby: We'll see, angel.

Maddie: By the way, that society dame was here to see you. Sounded anxious.

Mr. Moseby: And my squirt gun leaks. We all got problems.

He sits down and looks through the files Maddie gave him. Maddie blows a large bubble of gum and it explodes in her face.

_**A/N – And now we take another commercial break. See you again soon.**_


	6. Scene 6

_Disclaimer – I do not own any rights to the characters or trademarks of "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody." This is intended strictly as a tribute to the series._

**Thomas Thurman _and _Princess Cornelia – _Welcome back and thank you for your reviews. I always look forward to your comments._**

_**A/N – We're back from our break. Enjoy this next scene.**_

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Mr. Moseby hammers out a rhythm with his pencil as he tries to figure out what should come next in his story.

The door opens and Maddie enters carrying a box of chocolates.

Maddie: I brought these for you. They should make you feel better.

Mr. Moseby: How thoughtful of you.

He yawns fiercely.

Maddie: You look tired. Let me help you into bed.

Maddie guides Mr. Moseby into his bedroom. She comes out and looks at his papers. Her eyes widen as she reads the last paragraph.

Maddie: I can't believe he wrote me as the dumb blonde secretary! I'll have to fix this.

She begins scribbling furiously.

THE TIPTON HOTEL

Mr. Moseby: This is it! I finally got a lead in the case!

He runs through the lobby only to crash into Maddie.

Maddie: Easy there, big guy!

Mr. Moseby: Who are you?

Maddie: I'm Nanny Dew, teenage girl detective extraordinaire. I can take this from here.

Mr. Moseby: Who are you working for?

Maddie: Myself. I know London's in trouble and I'm going to help her.

Mr. Moseby: She's in trouble, all right. I found something about her in my files.

Maddie: London's being blackmailed. I just need to prove it.

Mr. Moseby: How do you figure that?

Maddie: I just do. Hello? I'm Nanny Dew!

Mr. Moseby: That Tipton dame is a certifiable nut case.

Maddie: A slight case of kleptomania, schizophrenia, pyromania, and a narcissist complex does not make her a nut case.

Mr. Moseby looks at her.

Maddie: O.K. So it kinda does. But I'm not going to stop until I get to the bottom of this mystery!

MR. MOSEBY'S APARTMENT BUILDING

Raven and Chelsea are going down the stairs as Zack is going up. Zack takes a long look at Chelsea.

Zack: Hey there, Sweet Thang!

Chelsea: Gahh! I can not believe this.

Raven: It's the same everywhere we go. Just ignore him, Chelsea.

They walk past Zack in disgust. His face asks, "Was it something I said?"

THE TIPTON HOTEL

Mr. Moseby: Thank you for your concern, Miss Dew. But this is a job for a man, not for children.

Maddie pushes Mr. Moseby to the ground just as a throwing knife connects with the wall.

Maddie: Follow me.

Maddie crawls across the floor military style. Mr. Moseby draws his squirt gun and crawls after her.

Mr. Moseby: Do you do this often?

Maddie: Only when I'm on trains, boats, at the beach, on a Hawaiian vacation, or at a mysterious hotel. Or a retirement home. A museum. An airplane. Or a karaoke club. Actually, I guess that is pretty often.

At the end of the hall, Maddie looks both ways.

Mr. Moseby: Is it safe?

Maddie: I think so.

She gets up and tiptoes down the hall. Mr. Moseby imitates her every move.

Mr. Moseby: This is ridiculous. I've got this case all under control.

Maddie: Do you think so, mister? Do you really? Well then, how come you haven't figured out that…?

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Maddie has a wicked grin on her face as she scribbles onto Mr. Moseby's paper. She stops abruptly.

Maddie: I wonder where Mr. Moseby's bathroom is?

She exits in search of the bathroom. Zack enters the apartment. He looks at Mr. Moseby's story.

Zack: Boring!

He picks up his pencil.

Zack: Time to add a little action!

THE TIPTON HOTEL

Mr. Moseby: This is ridiculous. I've got this case all under control.

Maddie: Do you think so, mister? Do you really? Well then, how come you haven't figured out that _this hotel is under attack_?

Zack and Cody jump out of nowhere with their super soaker squirt guns.

Mr. Moseby: Get down!

He grabs Maddie and jumps over the banister. He lets go of the girl, rolls onto the carpet, and then pulls his squirt gun from his coat and begins returning fire.

Esteban enters.

Esteban: Say hello to my little friends!

He holds out two squirt pistols and begins firing at Mr. Moseby.

Maddie and London, in their police uniforms, barge through the Tipton's revolving door. They begin shooting everyone with their squirt rifles.

The entire lobby is soon filled with men in Tipton and Club Esteban uniforms. Everyone is carrying a squirt pistol, squirt rifle, or super soaker.

Cody is covering his eyes as Zack sprays away with a maniacal grin.

Zack: Hey, brother, why don't you open your eyes and shoot someone?

Cody: I can't! I'm not allowed to watch violent movies, remember?

Mr. Moseby does a triple somersault across the floor and fires at Cody.

Cody looks at the wet spot on his shirt.

Cody: They got me!

He collapses into Zack's arms.

Cody: Everything's… going… dark. Hold me… brother.

He closes his eyes and collapses.

Zack: Noooooo!

Arwin runs in and begins tossing water balloons. Each time a balloon splatters open, people fly through the air as if a grenade has landed.

Mr. Moseby and Esteban are in a stand-off.

Mr. Moseby: I know what you're thinking. This little squirt pistol must be out of water. Well, it is the XX3-20 Aquafier, the most advanced squirt pistol in the super market. So you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Mr. Moseby pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. He tries again. Then he just looks at Esteban and laughs nervously.

_**A/N – That's all for today. And if you think things are getting out of hand now, just wait for the totally out of control next, and final, chapter! Coming soon.**_


	7. Scene 7

_Disclaimer – I do not own any rights to the characters or trademarks of "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" or "That's So Raven!" This is intended strictly as a tribute to the series._

**Thomas Thurman – _Thank you for letting me know how hard you laughed. It's hard for me as a writer to judge whether or not my own jokes are funny._**

**lengirlfriend – _Thank you for letting me know I made your day, and I don't care what Zack and Cody have to say about it!_**

**annie – _Thank you for your compliments as well. I happen to be a boy, but I don't see why you'd want to know that._**

**JediMasterBob – _Thank you as well. (I'm running out of thanks here.) You tuned in just in time for the final update._**

**A/N – _And we're back, one last time. If you think all the hijinks that came before this were out of hand, you haven't seen anything yet! This is the totally out-of-control, no-holds-barred, out-of-hand conclusion!_**

**_Writing this story has been different for me because usually I know exactly who the culprit is when I start to write a mystery. With this story I just let the plot unfold. I actually finished this story in the first few days I was recovering from my surgery and I've just been uploading it in small, weekly installments. Anyway, at the end I decided to take a page from the movie version of _"Clue", _in which there are several alternative ending. It made sense to me that, since all through this fanfic the story has been controlled by different characters, there would be several different endings. _**

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Maddie walks in and catches Zack writing.

Maddie: Give me that!

She yanks the story away from Zack.

Maddie: What are you doing with Mr. Moseby's story?

Zack: I'm bringing it to a big finish.

Maddie: No. I am.

They begin to play tug-a-war with the papers. Cody enters and stands by the door.

Cody: Stop! I just figured out who the killers should be!

Maddie: Wait in line.

Chelsea barges through the door, throwing it in Cody's face. After she steps forward, the door swings open and Cody falls forward.

Zack: What are you doing here?

Chelsea: The story was getting so suspenseful. I just wanted to see how it all ends.

Esteban and Raven burst into the room.

There's a lot of screaming and yelling and paper flying in the air. Mr. Moseby calmly walks into the room. He rubs his eyes. Then his jaw drops in sheer horror.

Mr. Moseby: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

Everyone falls silent, their fingers aiming at each other, except for Chelsea, who is pointing at a random spot on the ceiling for some reason.

Maddie: We just want to know how the story ends.

Mr. Moseby: Calm down for a moment and I'll tell you.

Maddie: You?

Mr. Moseby: Of course me. Being the original author of the story, it's only appropriate that I should get to write the ending. Now, let's see. I've put a lot of thought into this.

THE TIPTON HOTEL

Mr. Moseby stands at the left side of the Tipton lobby, Maddie as his secretary cowering behind him. Maddie as Nanny Dew is sitting on the sofa. London as a socialite is standing on the stairs to the upper level of the lobby. Zack and Cody as mobsters are looking over the railing with Cody as Hercules Toirpot and Zack as Captain Hasty standing below them. London and Maddie as cops are standing in the center of the room. Carey stands behind them surrounded by musical instruments. Esteban, Chelsea, and Arwin are standing at the right side of the room.

Mr. Moseby: This has been a very complicated case. Or at least it was, at first. But then all of the clues came together.

He turns to London.

Mr. Moseby: Ms. Tipton, you said you saw two strange men in your suite before your prized pet disappeared. Tell me; are they in this room right now?

London: Yes, they are! They're right there!

She points to Zack and Cody in their mobster outfits.

Mr. Moseby: Here's how the game played out. Mr. Esteban kidnapped Ms. Tipton's dog to hold it for ransom. He sent those two goons to get the dog for him. But something went wrong. When they brought the dog to Mr. Esteban's hotel, one of the other employees, D. Ceased, found it and felt guilty. He decided to return the pooch. But he made the mistake of returning to the Tipton not carrying only the dog, but the Falcon. Esteban had his men follow Ceased. They ran into him in the lobby and whacked him.

Chelsea: Whacked him with what?

Zack: We already explained this in an earlier chapter, Sweet Thang. Weren't you paying attention?

Mr. Moseby: But there was someone else who knew about the crime. Miss Tolulu, the fortune teller. We ran into Esteban's goons around her tent not too long ago. They stuck a shiv into the poor lady!

Raven enters.

Raven: Did somebody call me?

Maddie: I thought you were dead.

Raven: I didn't like that scene, so now I'm alive again.

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

There are choruses of "no."

Maddie: That couldn't have been how it happened!

Esteban: Of course not. Mr. Esteban is a law-abiding citizen and would never get mixed up in such a dastardly crime!

Maddie: Esteban, you run an illegal casino and have dealings with the Mob.

Esteban: So? A few small violations. They mean nothing.

Cody: I have a better idea.

THE TIPTON HOTEL

Cody as Toirpot steps forward.

Cody: I have figured out the mystery with all of the little cells in my brain. Mademoiselle Tipton, you say there were strange men in your suite when your dog was kidnap-ed?

London: That's right.

Cody: Are they here now?

London: Yes, they are! They're right there!

She points to Maddie and London in their police uniforms.

Cody (as Toirpot): Inspector Fitzpatrick and Lt. Tipton are not really police officers at all, but are, in reality, stage actors. They came into the hotel in their uniforms to steal the dog and hold it for the reward money. Is that not right, Captain Hasty?

Zack (as Capt. Hasty): Jolly good show, Tar-pot. Whatever you say.

Cody: It is not Tar-pot. It is pronounced "Twarpo"!

Zack: Jolly good. Jolly good.

Cody: Anyways, they encountered D. Ceased in the lobby the following afternoon. He had come to steal another DOG, this one a robot made by Prof. Arwin. There was a scuffle and the phony police officers shot D. Ceased to death!

Maddie (as Nanny Dew to Capt. Hasty): Does that make any sense to you?

Zack: None at all. I just go along with whatever he says. Jolly good! Good show!

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Maddie: That's not how it happened at all. Here. Give me the pencil.

THE TIPTON HOTEL

Maddie (as Nanny Dew): This is how it all happened. They're the criminals behind all of this!

She points to Mobster Cody and Gangster Zack.

Zack: Us again?

Maddie: They were trying to steal a dog. Only it wasn't London's dog. It was Prof. Arwin's DOG. But they got their orders mixed up and stole London's dog instead!

Esteban: How could you have gotten my orders mixed up?

Zack: Maybe you could have been a little more specific.

Esteban: How was I not specific?

Cody: You told us to snatch the dog that barked and wagged its tail.

Maddie: So they blackmailed London into stealing Prof. Arwin's DOG. When London and D. Ceased met to trade, something went wrong, and London shot D. Ceased, completely in self-defense!

London: Not true! I couldn't hurt a fly!

An insect stars buzzing around her head. She takes a fly swatter from her purse and hits the insect repeatedly. When she notices everyone eying her suspiciously, she laughs nervously.

Esteban: Then what happened to my Falcon?

Maddie: Prof. Arwin found it and accidentally used it as scrap metal to make his DOG.

Esteban tries to lunge for Arwin, but Chelsea holds him back.

Chelsea: No. That's all wrong, too.

Everyone looks at her.

Chelsea: I mean, isn't it obvious? First of all, Raven, you really are dead.

Raven: Oh, snap!

She buries her face on the nearest tabletop.

Chelsea: Here's how it happened. It all started when Ms. Tipton stole Mr. Esteban's Falcon.

London: Me? Steal something? Why would I want a heavy, hard, ugly, crummy piece of lead …?

She reaches into her purse and pulls out the Falcon.

London: … like this anyway?

Esteban: There it is. The stuff that dreams are made of.

Arwin: Actually, it's more like the stuff pencils are made of.

London throws the Falcon to the side. Esteban tries to lunge for her, but Chelsea and Arwin hold him back.

Chelsea: That's when Esteban tried to get even by sending his goons to capture Ms. Tipton's dog. He was going to trade it for his Falcon.

Esteban: How could you accuse me of such a thing?

There's a loud barking.

Esteban: BARK! BARK! BARK! I am just trying to clear my throat. BARK! BARK! BARK!

A dog climbs out of Esteban's shirt and begins to lick his face. Now London lunges for him, with Mr. Moseby and Maddie as his secretary holding her back.

Chelsea: Then D. Ceased found out about the dog and tried to tell Ms. Tipton about it so he could get the reward money. When he came back here, he was killed.

Carey: By who?

Chelsea: We'll get back to that part later. Because another DOG had been stolen, this one from Prof. Arwin. By them!

She points an accusing finger at Maddie and London in their police uniforms. London isn't paying attention. Instead, she's flirting with a boy.

Maddie: London, you're supposed to be a boy right now.

London: Well, I can't just let the other me have all the fun!

She waves at socialite London.

Chelsea: Those two crooked flatfoots stole the DOG and planned on selling it to an unfriendly foreign power. But when Mr. Moseby took up the case, they got nervous and followed him. They were afraid Miss Tolulu might tell him something about them, so one of them stabbed her in the back. We saw them come in through the back flap of the tent a few minutes later.

Raven lifts her head and looks at Maddie and London.

Raven: Ya nasties!

She drops her head again.

Maddie: Then where'd we stash the DOG?

Chelsea picks up a vase and drops it to the floor. The vase shatters and a small, mechanical dog begins walking and barking over the pieces. It slowly moves towards Arwin and then flies at his chest, pushing him over. The mouth opens and a paper-thin tongue comes out. The head keeps moving up and down in licking motions on Arwin's face. He laughs and keeps saying, "That tickles."

Everyone yells out, "So who killed D. Ceased?" Chelsea points to Carey.

Chelsea: She did! She and D. Ceased used to be boyfriend and girlfriend. When he came here to see Ms. Tipton, he ran into _her_ instead. The two got into a lover's spat. The lady took a gun out of her guitar case and shot D. Ceased to death.

Carey: That's not true!

She opens another case and pulls out a machine gun.

Carey: The gun's in my trombone case.

Several Zacks, Codys, and Estebans burst in wearing police uniforms.

Chelsea: Take them all away, boys! Don't let a single one get away!

Everyone's led away in handcuffs except Chelsea and Mr. Moseby.

Mr. Moseby: You know something? You'd make one fine detective.

Chelsea: You know, honestly, I've been told that before.

Mr. Moseby: You're pretty smart for a dame.

Chelsea: You know, honestly, I don't get that one as much. I've been called a lot of things, but never… What was that word again?

THE MOSEBY APARTMENT

Mr. Moseby: That was the most far-fetched, over-complicated, contrived ending I have ever heard.

Everyone applauds and hoots and hollers. "Great ending, Chels." "That was so clever!" Etc. Etc. Except for Mr. Moseby, who wads the story up into a ball.

Mr. Moseby: So much for being the next Hemingway.

He tosses it into a trash can.

_One Week Later…_

THE TIPTON HOTEL

Mr. Moseby takes his place behind the front desk of the real Tipton hotel once again. Cody is waiting for him.

Cody: I'm glad to see you back at work, Mr. Moseby.

Mr. Moseby: I'm glad to be back.

Cody: I'm sorry my advice didn't work out.

Mr. Moseby: Nonsense, young man! Your advice worked out perfectly. You know, as a young boy, I wanted to be an author, but I never had the nerve to try it. You encouraged me to use something I seldom get to. My imagination.

Cody: Great! 'Cause I've got some really cool ideas for our next story.

Esteban approaches the desk.

Esteban: Me, too. When do we start?

Maddie and Zack show up and an argument breaks out. Mr. Moseby buries his head in his hands and begins to weep.

**A/N – _The end credits roll, accompanied by pictures from all seven scenes as an instrumental version of the theme song plays._**

_**This story has been a blast to write and I'm glad so many of you enjoyed it. It's been fun paying tribute to TSL, TSR, Raymond Chandler, Dashiell Hammet, Agatha Christie, Nancy Drew, and all of those other pop culture icons. **_

_**Thank you to all of my readers. More thanks to those of you who actually reviewed.**_

THE END


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